#but I'm not seeing the worth when I have to jump through hoops that nobody is keeping track of nor cares

[questionablespecies]

God, I feel like crying and nothing has happened...yet. The amount of stress that I'm carrying is the worst it's ever been in my entire life and I'm an orphan.

It's another semester down and yet, I'm not free. I have prelims to study for, which I don't even feel prepared for because we've spent 8 months not being prepped for the material, so everything being learned is essentially on the fly, but hey, at least it's multiple-choice! I fucking hate this school.

And then I have my dissertation proposal. Honestly, that is the one I'm the least concerned about. I'm really reaching levels of IDGAF anymore, pass fail whatever. Every time I talk about grad school, it's about how much I would love to quit - like the door is right there!

And it's not because it's hard, let's be real. The work is immensely easy - if anything, the same as undergrad. But the expectations are different and the school doesn't prepare you at ALL for those expectations. They just tell you hey things are happening that you gotta do, no we're not gonna tell you how to do it even though you've been in class for this long and should've had professors say something about it, that's funny, anywaaaaayyysssssss....

Like I can't even make up how disorganized this program is. They're not building us to be professionals; they're building us to be administration. I shouldn't have to constantly keep double checking admin about when this will be cleared on my grade when I've already sent xyz documentation months ago. They act like they just started yesterday, yet the tea is that all grad school is disorganized like this. When if you ask my old boomer aunt, she'll categorize it as "breeding out the weak."

It's ridiculous that the people who work here don't even know what's going on either, and you can feel the lack of support permeating the air. But they'll do events to act like they give a shit about us while essentially robbing us blind because idk where my tuition is going because it certainly isn't going into adequate professors or administration.

I pray to GOD that I better pass everything in one neat bow because I could soooooo easily see myself doing something else. So fucking easily. This isn't a dream job for me, this is something I like and one thing about ME is that I AM A QUITTER. I will leave due to a slight inconvenience, IRDGAF.

I don't have anyone to disappoint other than myself, and I know I'll get over it.

[monsterritory]

What are some of your feelings about awamdream? Any writing about it or drabbles? The ppl need food

Ask and I shall feed you. Also you are so in luck I was literally just thinking about them.

Every Dream ship has a very specific dynamic in my head, and I think AwesamDream is the most versatile of them. Because depending on your mood, you could either have Sam hating Dream so much that he loves him, or loving him so much that he hates him. I see him as generally obsessed with Dream. It was probably just an innocent, platonic lil crush before the prison. 

But Pandora's Vault introduced Sam to the concept of Dream beaten up and crying under him, and something inside of him switched when he felt like he was in control of somebody else. Ironically this is what Dream feels towards Tommy, which Sam despises him for. How dare Dream obsess over another man? Only Sam is allowed to do that. When Dream stalks and daydreams about hurting Tommy - it's wrong and obsessive, but when Sam does it to Dream - he's not doing anything wrong because he is a good guy and therefore incapable of being wrong. 

More under the cut.

Sidenote. The Drunz dynamic in my head is unwavering trust and loyalty. They can trust each other like nobody else. They have killed and revived each other for science, and for kinks. They feel confident putting their lives into each other's claws and being at each other's mercy. But at the same time they have a very healthy amount of life outside of each other, making them a perfect match, spare for the fact that they don't live together. 

But let’s say for the sake of this AU I’m crafting here that they do. 

Dream moves in with Punz after he escapes. Not into Punz’s house - into a new base far away from the Mainland. Dream is very traumatized, and Punz wants nothing more than to help him. They don’t even have to try hard - they just treat Dream with human decency again, and it slowly starts to remind Dream that he’s a person with a right to be loved. 

(Another sidenote. My Dream is an impala hybrid, Punz is a coyote hybrid, and Sam is a creeper/mantis hybrid). 

It takes a few months and Dream realizes that he’s doing so much better than he did before. That is until he comes downstairs to find Punz arguing with Sam. God knows how he tracked them down, but the matter of fact is he is here, and Punz is yelling at him to leave before they kill him. 

Dream stays hidden by the doorway, listening to what they’re saying. 

“You got some balls showing up here without any armour. You know I could just take your last life, right here, right now?” 

“I know, I know. I'm not here to fight or harm anyone. Punz, I just need to see Dream. I need him back.” 

“Sure, let me go get him.” Punz jokes, sarcastically, “Do you really think he’s gonna go back to the prison just because you’ll ask him to?” 

“This isn’t about the prison!” Desperation is apparent in Sam’s voice. “It’s about me. I realized… I need him.” 

Punz continues telling Sam to leave, but then Dream interrupts the conversation, saying that he’s actually willing to give Sam a chance. It’s just that… 

“I’m not the same guy that escaped that cell.” Dream says to Sam. “I learned what I’m worth now. If you want to be with me - it’s Punz you’ll be competing with for a right to even be around me. And Sam, I promise to you, there will be many hoops to jump through, and there will be rules and expectations you haven’t even dreamt of.” 

Sam nods his head enthusiastically. He’ll do anything. He thinks he’ll die if he doesn’t get to touch Dream again. 

His desire to hurt Dream has grown into a desire to protect him over the course of the months that they spent apart. To hold him in his arms, and maybe it’s the Warden side of him that has merged in a tango with the side of him that’s obsessed with Dream. He wants to be the right kind of Warden this time. 

During the same scene I imagine Sam tries to touch Dream - not with any malicious intent. He just misses him so much. Maybe Dream walks past him, but trips over something on the floor, and Sam catches him before he falls, gripping his hand by the wrist. Dream ends up pushing him off, startled, then suddenly yells for him to leave, now, right now, immediately. Punz stands between them, emphasizing how important it is that Sam leaves now. 

Sam doesn’t get it. Until he hears ragged breathing come from Dream. He’s having a panic attack, from something as small as having Sam grip his hand so that he doesn’t fall over. 

He may know better now, but some traumatic events are still too freshly engraved in his brain. 

Sam can’t help but feel hurt. He’s finally seeing just how deeply he fucked up the man he just realized he loves with all of his soul. 

His path to earning Dream’s trust again would take at least a 300k hurt/comfort slowburn. But this is all you’re getting from me tonight.

[traumatizeddfox]

i feel like no matter who i meet irl or where i post online, i'm just not welcome. everything i do feels so one sided, like people see and hear everything i say and do and choose to ignore me. every single person i've tried to talk to has dwindled, and every single thing i've created and posted or shown to people has been met with :| irl and if i even talk on my account my post's interactions dwindle. i know i sound like i'm being a baby, but literally nobody cares about me anymore and i feel like no matter where i go i'm just not welcome or ignored even if i try to go out of my way to be kind or whatever, it just feels like people use me and run and if i have nothing to offer i'm not worth anything.

i don't know if it's because i'm overbearing or i have bad opinions or i just get into things a little too much but i just really really want people to like me, my mom completely distanced herself from me when i was like 5, so i still struggle with basic hygiene and now need multiple oral surgeries to restructure my jaw because i was never taught the importance of brushing, and i go months without showering. i have two separate bedrooms that are completely full of hoarder-eske piles, and one of them i have completely abandoned. i suppose it stems from my mom's neglect to regard my mental and physical pain, and being SA constantly in a hoarder house for a handful of years when i was a preteen by my dad, but i annoyed my mom so much with my needs like therapy and surgeries and hormones that she just kicked me out at 17. i just turned 19 and i'm still alone. i'm almost homeless. i haven't had a single penny since i quit my first job a week after i started at 15, because my health being too horrible to keep up more than that single week. nobody in school liked me either. people made fun of me for being fat and hairy but still being a girl, and when i came out as trans, i thought it would help because i would be a man to them and the other things wouldn't be a problem, they all made fun of me for that too. (i also am trans for other reasons not just that) i'm alone. i'm so poor. i'm so hungry. i've been stuck in some crazy cultist's house for two years now because i have literally nowhere else to go.

and i don't care if "i can just go call xyz organization and make a gofundme and blah blah blah" because no matter how many fucking hoops i've jumped through the past two years with all of the options at my disposal for being someone with literally no physical identification, a high school drop out, and no driver's license or access to a car, or anybody who will actually help me. i beg and plead with my girlfriend, the single only person who actually is still around, and has resources, a car, and a job, to please help me find means of help, a therapist, a doctor, a dentist, something, for the past two years after being promised for the first two years of our relationship that she would help me when she helps me get out. i'm stuck. in the same small room every single day, packed with my literal garbage, while i play meaningless video games and rewatch my little pony over and over and over. my teeth are falling out. another one chipped today. i have no weed left. i'm not sure what's wrong with my stomach, i actually eat good food like roasted veggies and shrimp and drink ensures when i'm hungry in between meals, but i have no idea what's wrong with my stomach. it always hurts. always. but i was starved by my dad to be more appealing for his "plans" for like four years straight with minimal food to keep me alive so im sure that damaged my stomach somehow, but the single doctor visit i could get my girlfriend to take me to, they took an X-ray, saw shit, said i was constipated and sent me home. but i wasn't? i shit like 30 minutes later after i got home and i spent the entire time on the toilet crying.

nobody believes me. nobody wants to be around me. i am unlikeable, annoying, and overbearing. i will never get help. no organization will help me because i have zero identification, money, or because of the severity of my situation. the (maybe?) tens of thousands of dollars i will need to restore my body. my mom didn't care, doctors don't care, and my girlfriend doesn't care. i am in so much pain. i always have been, and i always will be.

I am so sorry, it breaks my heart reading this. Im sorry no one makes you feel loved, and im sorry about your mom and being neglected :/ it is so hard to deal with. You are always welcome here, on my blog <3 I really do hope things turn around for you, and that you will see it was all worth it <3 ily

[dxmedstudent]

Do you know anyone who has failed a block of FY2? I've just found out that I failed my first block of FY2 (in A&E) and I'm devastated. Now I'm worried it will impact upon the rest of my career and I'll never be able to do a competitive specialty. I think the hardest part about it is that my supervisor said there are no concerns about my clinical skills/ knowledge, just that I lack confidence in decision making, but failing the block has knocked my confidence even more.

Hello! I do, actually. They’re now starting an FY3 and about to have the time of their lives.  In their case, getting through uni and FY1 and FY2 has been a challenge, and I’m so, so so proud of how far they’ve come. I’m really sorry that you’ve had difficulty with FY training, I wish I could give you a hug and a hot drink of your choice. It’s completely understandable that failing a placement has upset you; it’s a scary situation in which people usually feel unsupported, let down by their placement, and unsure where to go from there. It’s worth talking to your academic supervisor (particularly if they aren’t the one who failed you) and your foundation lead if you can. Find out what they can do to help you. I think that their verdict was a bit harsh; at your level, it’s far more important to have an awareness of your limitations (for some reason I always ranked really high in this)  and know when you need support, because you don’t want to be overconfident and make decisions you don’t have the experience or knowledge to back up. It’s frequent for FY trainees to need some support. A lot of people feel a bit terrified, and A&E is probably the scariest rotation as an FY2 (you don’t even have it in FY1 usually), and frankly I’ve stayed away from it but I can see that it’s fast paced, pressurised, and decisions are often made quickly. I can completely see why you or many FY2s would find it stressful and not feel confident. And it’s a shame that it doesn’t sound that they raises this with you first; I do feel that people should discuss issues they have with trainees at an earlier time so they can address things together; just raising it at the end doesn’t give you support or time to do something about it. Are you OK, anon? I hope that you have the time and support to look after yourself and get yourself back to where you could be. I want you to remember that you come first. Before medicine. Before training. Before applying to specialities. You are the most important thing here, and you have a right to all the time and support you may need. I hope you know you are loved, and important, and you deserve your place in medicine, whatever happens. You’ve gotten so far, and you’re capable. Sometimes people just need more time or support to get to where they need to go. Having trouble isn’t always talked about, but it’s not uncommon in the NHS. I know lots of people who’ve had to work less than full time. Things happen. The way that training works is fast-paced, pressurised and relatively unsupported; we’re expected to independently jump through a million hoops to pass to the next stage, on top of actually doing the doctoring (which is stressful enough as it is!), and sometimes people struggle, or need help, or need more time. It’s not just you, this happens to lots of people. I absolutely recommend the Tea and Empathy group on Facebook for support (or, uh, Whiskey and Apathy if you’re less touchy feely and like to rant)Don’t worry about competitive specialities; the only specialities that matter are the ones you want to apply to eventually. And their criteria are straightforward; Pass FY1 and FY2 eventually, entrance exam result (if they have an exam), publications, audits, posters, etc, previous degrees. i.e things that have nothing to do with your state of health or if you needed some extra support or time.  And no, you don’t need to have ALL of the above to be considered. And plenty of people who don’t get in the first time take some time as a clinical fellow/staff grade and just reapply after they’ve bulked up their CV. If they never took anyone who had personal issues, or mental health issues, or needed some support or time out, they’d be hiring almost nobody. If you take time, deal with any problems you are going through, get help and finish your foundation training, there’s no reason why they would not consider you for different training options. They can’t discriminate on the grounds of health, including mental health. Once you pass, you’ll still get a certificate, so they may not even know that you initially struggled, but if they do, it should only be so they can support your training and make sure you get more support if needed. Just do your best, look after yourself, and you will deal with applications when you get there.  Good luck, and let me know how you get on.